Brett Cobb's blog

Ever criticize yourself? Sometimes a lot? Me, too.

 
One day as I was deep into a round of diminishing returns, I asked quietly to please, would someone just help change this day, and change my mind about giving myself such a hard time today, because this day sucks eggs. (Come to think of it, I remember adding "dammit" at the end of that sentence.)  Within a few moments, I found myself feeling a little less perturbed and starting to fall asleep in my desk chair, mental-wheels slowing, when everything seemed to slow to an almost complete stop.  In a half-awake, half-alert frame of mind, this is what I heard, excerpted from Toward Spirit:

 

“In your experience, there are likely many things you wish to change – about the past, about the present, and even about the future.  Truly you must see how very silly all of this is.  The past you cannot change, the present you can change, and the future will change depending on what you do in the present.  Therefore, there is only one time in which to occupy your mind, and that is the present.

In the present, what is it that you wish so much to change?  A work situation?  A living arrangement?  A relationship?  Some other part of life?  It is quite impossible to change all of them at once.  Instead, choose one to observe clearly and begin to receive what I wish to share with you.

Look out in any direction through fresh eyes.  For a moment, turn this way and that.  Find me, the One that you seek, in whatever it is that you see.  The work arrangement.  The relationship.  Something else.  What you see in front of you may look imperfect in some way, yet see it as complete – as what it seems to be, what it is, and what the obstacles and the benefits are that it brings into your life.  Remember to find me in it.  Always in the circumstance, each is perfectly whole, even if something appears to be missing.  Look out in another direction at a different situation.  Again, find me. 

Each time, as your mind becomes freer, you will see something more that may seem imperfect and yet that is complete.  As you begin to make choices using this new information, your solutions will take form with greater clarity.  If there is much to learn in a circumstance, tread carefully on change, and attune further within.  If change still appears to be needed, you can be certain of your guidance and proceed.

Rest easy.  You are complete.  Look out, and through fresh eyes find me inside whatever you see – always complete, and always through fresh eyes.” 

Today I saw a masterful drawing of a young man.

It showed a young man lovingly holding an older man from behind, arms draped over shoulders, face touching his neck as if to kiss or breathe in the scent. The older man’s arms reached upward and behind to cradle the back of the younger man’s head. It is a very sensual portrait, and very loving. The young man gently yearns to please, and the older is equally willing to be held and to please by giving way to the younger man’s passion.

And I thought of spiritual union. In my case, is it son to father? Partner to partner? I don’t suppose it matters much. I only know the feeling I had when I saw it, recognizing something in it that I seek as I stumble toward God. Gentle union. Unabashed passion. Complete mutuality. 

Even as I turn my attention to that drawing, I start playing it like a movie in my head. The arms untwine. The older man turns his sturdy body toward the young man, cups the unlined face in experienced hands. Their mouths part. They kiss.

This is often what seeking feels like to me. Experiencing it deeply enough to share it, and at the same time, a yearning for The Kiss.

Ask and receive. In 2003, I had not accepted it as fact.

I knew it was true for wise men. What I didn't believe in 2003 is that it was as true for wise men as for everyday guys -- utterly flawed -- and gay like me. That night, my opinion changed completely. Since that moment, I have not looked at life the same, and my entire life has changed. I am the "traveler" mentioned:

The Simple Wooden Cup

One night in Tibet, a traveler prayed for guidance. What advice would Spirit give to help us understand desire? When we focus too much on what we crave no matter the cost? In a dream, Spirit lifted a simple cup that Tibetans use to drink yak butter tea, and said:

"If everything that matters most to you could fit inside this simple wooden cup, then what would you put there? Maybe riches you would put inside. Then when you grow hungry, you could grind them up and have enough food to tide you for the day.

Or maybe all you need is a few drops of water. Then everything you’ve ever wanted could be reflected inside the cup, and you would have even more.

But what if you get thirsty? Then you can drink the water, and take inside the reflection of all those things, and the memories will become part of you. And still you will have all the space you need to fill the cup again and again because memories take up no room at all. There will always be enough room in the cup for more, and therefore enough food to sustain you still.

What if somebody tries to take the cup and they succeed? This is not a problem. Because this is the time you realize that you already have everything you need, and you become the vessel.

Today, you already have everything that matters.

If you can understand the truth in this moment, then why won’t the same be true in the next? Or tomorrow? Or the next day?"

© Brett Cobb, 2003, Library of Congress, excerpted;

reprinted in "Toward Spirit," Vessel House Publishing, 2008

 

I continue to be challenged by desire. What happened next, I would never have thought true for me...  (to be continued)